Part One "Ek Lotey Ki Aatmkatha"

                                                                                               - Kapil Sharma

Aaj jab is andherey kamrey ke ghup andhiyarey mein mei itney kabaad se dhaka, daba aapko apni kahani sunaney ki koshish kar raha hoon tab lagta hai ki yeh kah dena bhar kafi nahin hai ki main ek lota hoon, jo kisi din factory se niklaa tha aur aaj apni upyogita poori karkey apney galaye jaaney ka intzaar kar raha hoon, balki mujhey toh lagta hai ki yeh baat ko galat tareekey se kahna hoga. Lekin zara rukiye, kahani ke is hissey par aap soch rahey hongey, "kya bakwaas hai, kya kiisi lotey ki bhi koi kahani ho sakti hai" lekin sach to yeh hai ki is duniya me har cheez ki koi na koi kahani hoti hi hai, zaroorat hai ek baar thoda sa ruk kar usey dekhney ki, jaananey ki, mahsoos karney ki. Ab sawaal yeh hai ki kya aap is Lotey ki woh kahani sunana chahengey, jo ho sakta hai aapkey liye ek bore masla ho, lekin merey liye to woh zindgi ki kahani hai, aap chahein to isey padh saktey hein, yaa naa padhna chahein to delete bhi kar saktey hain, aapki marzi hai, lekin meri maney to apni zindagi ke kuch pal nikaal kar is lotey ki aap beeti sun lijiye, taaki aap apni is chamakti damakti duniya ka woh veebhatsa chehra dekh sakein jo un pardon ke peechey chupa rahata hai jo har burai ko chupa ke rakhtey hain.

To kahan se shuru karun, us mine se jahan se mera dhatu nikala gaya, ya us factory se jahan meri dhalai hui, yaa dukaan se jahaan mein pahali baar bika tha…

Chaliye shuru karte hai...

Mujhey nahi pata ki main us dukaan mei kaisey pahuncha, bus yun samajh lijiye ki jab meri aankh(agar aap kalpna kar saktey hon ki agar kisi lotey ki aankh hoti to woh kahan hoti) khuli, yaa yun kahiye ki mainey hosh sambhala, to mainey khud ko us dukaan ke sabsey unchey shelf ki saaf, shafaaqu, nayi nakor paint ki hui choti sijagah par aaram se baitha paya, Tab yun lag raha tha ki mai duniya ka sabsey chamakdaar lota hoon, yun merey hi bagal mei kataar baandhey kai lotey baithey they, lekin unmey woh baat kahan thi, meri shining aur mera rutba kuch aur hi tha. Dukaan waala bahut bhala aur safaipasand aadmi tha, har ghantey aadhey ghantey mein ek baar kapda maar kar bartnoh ko chamkaata rahta tha, Khair mai to waisey hi chamakdaar tha, lekin sadak par dhool bahut thi… es desh mei ishwar ka pata nahi par dhool sarv-vyapi hai, suna hai videshon mei aisa nahin hai, wahan dhool, nahi hai, garibi aur berozgaari toh hai, shoshan aur atyachaar bhi hai, lekin woh log bahut chalaak hain aur dhool ki tarah jaldi hi in laanto se bhi nizaat paa lengey, chaliye humey kya, to main kahan tha, haan, main yu dukaan ki chamakdaar shelf par baitha hua tha aur dukaandar baar-baar mujhey saaf kar raha tha.

Haan, merey dil mei dheron armaan they, kabhi main sochta tha ki jo bhi mujhey kharidega main uski zindagi sawaar doonga, usey bharpoor khushi doonga (halaanki aapko yaad dilaney ki zaroorat nahin hai ki main aladin ka chirag nahin lota hoon) toh mere dil mein wahi sab armaan they jo kisi naye nakor lotey ke man mein ho saktey hai, (agar aap kalpna kar saktey hon ki agar kisi lotey ke koi armaan hotey to kya hotey).....oho, main bhoola aap to insaan ho, haan to main kuch  brief sa idea de deta hoon ki mere kya armaan they, mere armaan they ki main duniya ka, chalo woh bahut badi hai, Asia ka, nahi usmey kai desh aisey bhi toh hain jo lota istemaal nahi kartey, south asia ka, jismey se kuch mulk nikaal diye jaayen, jaisey, china, aadi, to us region ka jismey, India, Pakistaan, Bangladesh, Nepaal, Srilanka....etc aatey hain, us region ka sabsey mashoor lota ban jaaun, ab aap soch rahey hongey, bahut mahatwakanshi lota hai, lekin aap hi bataiye, jab yeh desh 14 gold laakar apna naam uncha kar sakta hai, kuch karey naa karey lekin olympic gold ki baabat soch sakta hai to ek lota apni shohrat ka daayra kyun nahi badha sakta. To mera bas yahi armaan tha, jaisa ghalib ne kaha hai, 'Chand taarey tod laun, saari duniya par me chaaun, bas itna saa khwab hai, bas itna saa khwaab hai' kya kaha yah galib ka nahi hai, oof, kaisey kaisey log hotey hain, bataiye, mainey yeh jiskey muh se suna tha woh isey galib ka sher bata raha tha, khair yeh sher merey dil ke armaaan to bata hi deta. Toh main dukaan par baitha "apni" khuli aankon se sapney dekha rha tha ki dukaan ke saamney ek scooter aakar ruka.

Scooter bahut naya nahi tha, waisa hi tha jaisa ki aam middle class gharon mein dekhney ko mil jaata hai, aur scooter ke malik bhi middle class hi they, khair mujhey koi fark nahi padta kyunki, tab tak mujhmey varg chetna nahi thi, to mujhey yah nahi pata tha ki logon ka varg kitna iportant hota hai, woh to jab ek sahab ke ghar pahuncha to wahan aksar vaeg chetna aur varg sangharsh kibaatein hoti rahati thi, tab mujhey pata chala ki varg kya hota hai, par yeh baat to mein aappko aagey bataney wala hoon, abhi to kahani ko jaari rakhtey huye, mei aapko bata raha tha ki, scooter par aaney waley log middle class ke they, mahila thodi nati aur bhari shareer ki thi, purush bhi theek thaak bhari tha, lekin dono ko apney shareer ke bhaaipan par koi eitraaz ho aisa nahi lagta tha. Dono bartno ki us dukaan par lota hi kharidney pahuchey they, to unhoney loton ko lekar bhav tav karna shuru kiya, ek taraf to mera man kar raha tha ki meri taraf dhekha jaye aur doosri taraf mein unkey saath nahi jaana chata tha, mujhey lagata tha ki mujhey to kisi ameer admi ke saath jaana chahiye, lekin jab main yeh sab soch raha tha tabhi dukandaar ne haath badha kar mujhey utha liya aur ek jhatkey se us aadmi ke haath mein de diya. Us aadmi ne bhi mujhey thodi der ulat palat kar dekha aur pir mujhey mahila ke haath mein de diya, halaanki mujhey issy pahaley kisi mahila ne haath mein nahi liya tha lekin fir bhi us mahila ka mujhey is tarah tol mol kar dekhna achcha nahi laga, unhoney dukandaar ke saath bahut molbhaav kiya, ek baar to aisa laga ki woh bina kuch liye hi wahan se chaley jayenge,  lekin akhirkaar unhoney mujhey kharid hi lia. ( mujhey baad me pata chala ki yeh molbhaav karney ka tarika hota hai, ki aap, yani graahaq, dukan chod kar jaata hai, phir palat'ta hai, phir kuch mol bhav karta hai, phir dukaan chodh kar jaata hai, aur aakhir mein, apney bhav par samaan kharidta hai) to jisahab un logo ne, yani scooter waley middle class dampatti ne mujhey kharid liya, pata nahi kitney paisey diye, us waqt to mujhey paisey ka bhi koi hisab kitab pata nahi tha. Aur us aurat ne mujhey bahut berahami se apney jholey mein ghused diya, pahaley to laga ki yeh mein kahan aa gaya, lekin phir apney aas-paas ka zaayza liya to laga ki, muuliyon, aaluon, aur pyaz ke beech mujhey surakshit rakha gaya tha.

Scooter dhad-dhadaatey huye chalney laga aur woh pahala sagar tha jo mujhey pasand aaya, aisa lag raha tha ki jaisey mein kisi hindoley par bithkar bahut tezi se safar kar raha hoon. Aur pahaley chaudi sadak, khuli hawa, phir kuch choti sadak aur kuch band hawa, aur aakhir me ek badboodaar gali mein unka makaan aaya, aur scooter ruka...........

Makan kya tha, do kamarey they jinmey upyogita ka koi vishesh antar nahi tha, kabhi, ek kamara dayein tha, ek bayein tha, ya yun kah lein ki ek kamra aagey tha aur rk kamra peechey ki taraf tha. kuch log is kamrey ko bedroom ki tarah istemaal kartey they to kuch yahi kaam doosrey kamrey me kartey they, lekin gaur karney wali baat yeh hai ki unki aapas ki baat cheet mei unhey ptz hi hota tha ki baat kis kamrey ki ho rahi hai, isliye jab ghar aakar us mahila ne usi berhmi se mujhey jholey ke bahar nikala to apni bahu se kaha, "is lotey ko us kamrey me rakh do" aur uski bahu ne bina kuch sochey samjhey mujhey utha liya aur le jaakar doosrey kamrey mei rakh diya. Aur yahi baat us raat us bahu ke pitney ka kaaran bani.

Asal karan to mujhey baad mein samajh aaya, woh mahila chahti thi ki uski bahu kisi aisey khandaan (yahan ghar padhiyega) se hoti jo uskey ghar ko (yahan do kamrey ka makaan padhiyega) khusyion (yahaan daulat aur gahaney jewar kapdey aadi padhiyega) se bhar deti, kyunki uska beta to laakhon me ek (yahan ausat sharif aadmi) padhiyega. raat ko bada drama hua, khana wana kha ke woh mahila andar aayi, usney lota dekha jo khidkinuma chaukhat ke aaley par rakha hua tha, aur aasmaan sir par utha liya, bahu ko khoob kosa gaya, uskey poorey khandaan me kisi ko tameez nahi hai kaha gaya, aur tabhi mujhey pata chala ki mohalley ke koney par ek amndir hai, aur mujhey roj subah wahan jal chadhaney ke liye kharida gaya hai, aur us (badtameez, kulakshni, saat ghar khau) bahu ne mujhey aisye hi aaley par rakh diya tha, woh to us ghar ke log samajhdaar they ki kisi ne mujhey haath nahi lagaya tha aur meri pavitrta nasht nahi hui thi. Raat ko 2 ghantey tak yah chalta raha, jismey kam se kam 5 baar us mahila ne apni bahu ko suggest kiya ki woh jahar khakar mar jaye taki woh apney betey ki doosri shadi kar sakey aur apna ghar 'khushiyon se bhar sakey'

Pati theek thaak tha, bas maa se kuch bolta nahi tha, aakhir kisi bhi sharif ladkey ko aapni biwi kitarafdaari nahi karni chahiye, mardangi ka yahi usool hai, usey motry taur par apni biwi se koi shikayat nahi thi, bas woh ek achcha ladka tha jo apni maa ka achcha beta bana rehna chahta tha, ismey uska to koi kasoor nahi tha. khair aap meri suniye, doosrey din se shuru hua meri upyogita ka daur, woh mahila 5-5.30 par uthi, mujhey badi berahami se manja, aur mujhmey paani bhar ke mandir ki taraf chal di.

Mandir mein meri upyogita paani chadhana kam aur us mahila ke paas padey rahana zyada thi. Ab aap hi batayein kisi lotey ke liye yeh kitna apmaanjanak mamla hoga ki usey poorey din me sirf ek baar isteymaal kiya jaye aur phir poori pavitrta ke saath upekshit chodh diya jaye. Lekin merey saath yahi hua. Mein har roz subah uthaya jata, gardan pakad kar badi berahami se,poorey kasaipan ke saath mujhey manja jata, itni berahami se ki kai baar to meri chamdi chil jaati thi. aap kabhi us mahila ko mujhey manjtey dekhtey to aaapko lagta ki jaisey koi badla le rahi ho, mujhey ragadtey huey uskey cherey par aisey bhaav hotey they ki agar kabhi galti se kisi lotey ke pair hotey to woh bhaag khada hota.lekin, afsos(huh) ki merey pair nahi they, isliye, roz mujhey manja jata, roz mujme paani bharke mujhey mandir le jaya jaata, aur roz me us mahila ki god me pada rahata, aur uski baatein sunta rahata tha.

Wahan baith kar us mahila ki batein suntey huye aisa lagta tha jaisey us ki bahu se zyada buri aurat is poori duniya mein koi na ho, aur woh mahila mandir mein baith kar itna jooth bolti thi ki lagta tha jaisey mandir naam ki jagah hoti hi buraiyon ka ghar hai. Mainey jitna jhooth, chori, vyabhichaar aur duniya bhar ke tamaam burey kaam mandir mein dekey utney aur kahin nahin dekhey.

Us mahilake saath ek aur mahila thi, jo us ki har baat sunti thi aur gunti thi, woh mahila lagataar isharon isharon mein hi meri pahali malkin ko yeh batati rahati thi ki kaise woh apne 'saput' ki doosri shaadi kar sakti thi. Lekin gadi yahin aakar atak jaati thi ki aajkal ek se zyada shadiyan karney par saza ho jati hai, ( halaanki itney se bhi koi manta nahi hai). ek din hua yeh ki doosri mahila ne pahali mahila ko kaha ki kyun na woh apni bahhu ko maar de, suna aapney, mandir me baithkar woh dono mahilayein yah yojna bana rahi thi ki kis tarah apni grihlaxmi ka katl karkey woh apney betey ki doosri shaadi karwa sakti hain, main itna shock hua ki us aurat ki god se uchal kar neechey jaa gira, kash ki us waqt merey pair hotey to main fauran wahan se bhaag khada hota, meney apney purey jeevan me apney peir na honey ka itna afsos kabhi nahi hua, khair.

Mujhey umeed thi ki woh auratein apney in napaak iradon se baaz aa jayengi, lekin afsos ki isa nahi hua, woh nahi mani, main us moti ke sath roz madir le jaya jaata raha, aur unki saari sazish ka gawah bana raha, kaash ki main us masoom ladki ko bata sakta, kaash usey bacha sakta.

Pahley se hi kisi aur mazboor ladki ke baap se baat karkey sab tai kar liya gaya, phir saajish hui, us ladki ki hatya karney ki.

Mujhey woh raat bilkul saaf taur par yaad hai, us raat me bahut dara hua tha, kyunki mandir me subah hi yeh plan ban chuka tha ki aaj raat bahu ko thikaney laga dena hai, aur raat jab zyada kaali ho gayi thi, tab maa betey ne milkar us bachchi ko daboch liya, baap ne us par mitti ka tel dala aur ma ne aag laga di, ufffffffff, kya dil dahala dene wala drishya tha, main aaj bhi us manjar ke baarey me sochta hoon to mere rongtey khadey ho jaatey hain, woh bachchi kitna tadpi, chikhee chillayi, lekin roz mandir jaakar peepakl mei jal dene wali us aurat ka dil nahi paseeja, ek baar ko to me hi uchal pada, thoda uchalkoood bhi machaya, lekin mujhey daba diya gaya, mujhey daba diya gaya.......

Main kya kahun, ek lotey ka dil ro raha tha, aur teen vahashi hans rahey they, agar mere peir hotey to main tab bhi wahan se bhaag khada hota, lekin main majboor tha, ki main ek lota tha,

Doosri subah jab us masoom ki laash ko jalaney ke liye le jaa rahey they, to doosri aurat ne aankh bacha kar mujhey apney jholey mein daal liya, wahi jisney meri moti malkin ko apni bahu ko marney ki salah di thi usi ne uskey ghar par mauka dekh kar haath safai bhi dikha di, aur me aasmaan se gira khazoor me atka wali tarz par us mahila ke jholey me jaa gira jismey aur bhi samaan pada tha.

Lekin me us aurat ke paas bhi zyada der nahi raha, ho sakta hai iskey peechey meri drid ichchashakti ka bhi haath raha ho, halaanki kisi lotey ki ichcha kya aur shakti kaisi. Lekin meri thi. aur bahut badhiya thi kyunki mujhey us mahila se fauran hi chutkara mil gaya, Churaye huey samaan ka jhola lekar woh mahila kahin jaaney ke liye ek auto par baithi, aur woh kisi red light par ruka to ek uthaigirey ne auto se woh jhola paar kar liya, aur is tarah mujhey lagbhag fauran hi us mahila se chutkaara mil gaya.

To be continued in Part Two....